Imagine if you will a 600 year old man standing in the middle of a desert. The temperatures are reaching well above one hundred degrees. He is hot, tired and probably pretty damned thirsty. Then all of a sudden a loud voice rains down from the heavens, “Noah! I want you to build me a big ass boat.”
Now that I have your attention, in my last post (The Story of Lot) I asked the question “can this get anymore insane?” In fact, it does, hence the flood. So, like the last time, strap in because we are about to get this insanity on the road.
And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.And it repented the Lord that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart (Genesis 6: 5-6). The honeymoon is over, God is no longer satisfied with the creation that he claimed was very good. He is now ‘grieved’ at his heart. I didn’t know spirits had a heart but I can play along. Apparently there was too much sex and drinking going on and God was not happy! We all know the last thing God wants is for us to have fun. He expects us to spiritually castrate ourselves and be wholly subservient. Call me crazy but I think he has a very long wait.
Anyway, God isn’t happy, so what great idea did he come up with to bring himself happiness? You guessed it! Kill em all! Apparently God is in need of a mulligan; he want’s a do-over but what about all those pesky humans he created? That’s easy…drown them all and the animals too. Wait? What? The animals? What did they do? Were the cows roaming the streets shagging all the horses? Did those blood thirsty koala bears cause a ruckus?
This is mass murder on a grand scale folks. However, being a rational thinking person, I have a few questions. Did God in his all-knowing-ness not see this coming? Do you think God had the ability to stop all the evilness in the world without drowning all the innocent children, infants and animals? If so, why would an all loving God choose death by drowning? Can you imagine the feeling of gasping for air and choking just before passing out? Can you imagine the panic that must set in when you realize that there is no hope, you are going to drown to death? Imagine all the innocent babies that experienced that exact thing. How can you bring yourself to call your God a God of love? Is it love when a mother drowns her children in a bathtub? If she said God told her to do it, should she get away with the murder? Is that any different from what God did on a much larger scale? But yet you call him Love. You ought to be ashamed of yourself and you have the audacity to call me a hypocrite.
Am I the only one that has realized that God hadn’t prescribed any rules or commandments at this stage? Why would God punish them for breaking rules when there are no rules to follow? Seems rather hypocritical to me; give no rules, no laws, no guidance, then murder them all for not having the ability to read his mind. But Hey! God is love, God is love.
Let’s delve a little deeper into the actual story. Noah, a man of great youth being only six hundred years old is told by God (yes, God apparently spoke in audible tones) that he planned to flood the Earth to rid it off all those evil people who had a poor example by their God on how to act. But Noah and his family was to be spared because of his righteousness. All he had to do was build a 450 ft boat for God to house two of every animal including his family. Now, let me pause right here to ask a question. Why is it that God, who spoke everything into existence, cannot build a boat? All he would have to do is say “let there be a big ass boat” and poof a boat would appear. But I guess it is best to have a man who is over half of a millennium in age to do it. Hey, makes sense to me…NOT!
So now poor Noah is stuck building a boat in the desert. I wonder if God provided all the supplies needed? Of course not, he couldn’t even build a damn boat.
We advance in years and now the boat is complete and the people are mocking Noah because now there’s a boat in the middle of the desert in Palestine. Noah is dog tired from spending many years roaming the desert trying to find trees to use as logs, not to mention making nails and all else that is required to build a huge boat but apparently there is no rest for weary when you are working for God because now he is tasked to collect two of every species for the ark. I wonder if God supplied him a list of all the animals? I remember my Sunday school teacher telling me that God led all the animals to him. Hmm…did God give the Kangaroo’s and koala bears temporary wings to enable them fly to Palestine? How about the poor penguins and polar bears, I bet they were hot as hell. After all, there is only a two hundred degree difference between Antarctica and Palestine.
As you can see this is getting more and more insane with each line. So, lets discuss a few more points and then we will put this insanity to rest.
Food: How did Noah keep the meat needed to feed the carnivores from spoiling? Did they have large refrigerators/freezers on the ark? Surely in that heat the meat would quickly spoil.
Cleaning: Who had the ‘crappy’ job of cleaning up all the excrement left by the animals? I can only imagine how big elephant dung would be, not to mention the horrible smell inside the ark. Maybe they opened the ONLY window on the ark to let some fresh air in. Why would a 450 foot boat only have one small window? Clearly God was not much of an architect.
Behavior: How did they maintain proper behavior of all the animals? After all, wild lions, tigers and bears (oh my!) eat people. It is in their nature to do so. How did they manage to keep all of their digits and limbs?
The flood: God said it will rain for forty day and forty nights. Experts have said that in order for the water to cover Mt. Everest to a depth of twenty-two feet as the Bible states, it would have to rain six inches per second, three hundred sixty inches per minute, and we think it rains hard in the south!
The water recedes: Why the need to send a dove when Noah and God are on speaking terms?
The ark comes to rest on Mt. Ararat: Really? Of all places God chooses a mountain for the boat to come to rest upon? Assuming this is true, there are millions of dead bodies laying all over the place. What did they do with all the bodies? What did they eat? The flood would have killed all the vegetation. What about the fish? The overwhelmingly amount of fresh water would have completely diluted the salt water. So all the salt water fish would’ve died. Don’t you find it ironic that you can still order salt water fish off the menu?
I know, I know, I know! I am not supposed to think about all this stuff. I’m supposed to accept the blatant lies on faith. I’m to remain dumb and walk around with my God-glasses on and stay focused on God. Well stupidity never suited me well and I threw away my God-glasses years ago, so deal with it!
I will stop here for today. I have provided enough food for thought in this post. More insanity will ensue in the very near future. I look forward to seeing you then. Thanks for reading and please leave any comments you may have.