By a show of hands, how many of you are married? When you decided to take the plunge what did you wife’s father gift to you besides his daughter of course? House, car, watch, a trip to Hawaii? As we prepare to once again enter into the ridiculousness that is the Holy Bible, we will learn of the best wedding dowry ever given. We will also see that the dowry given was given in reverse. So, without further adieu…
The best wedding dowry ever given is found in 1 Samuel 18. While I was reading this ridiculous story my first question was “what in the hell is a wedding dowry” after all, I’m a man, I’m not supposed to know right? Well, for the rest of you guys out there that are like me and didn’t have a clue about a wedding dowry allow me to educate you; a wedding dowry is the money or goods that the bride’s family gives to her new husband when they are married. So, keep this is mind as you read the rest of this post.
In this story, David ( the man after God’s own heart, apparently the rest of us suck) is promised the hand of Merab, the oldest daughter of King Saul, if he will fight for the Lord (v17). Am I the only one that finds it ironic that God cannot fight his own battles? But anyway…
We see that this is King Saul’s feeble attempt to trick David because King Saul wants him dead. So, King Saul decided to send David to battle the Philistines hoping they will kill him (v17). King Saul, being the butt-head that he is, gives Merab to Adreil instead of David. Seems like a dick move to me, but hey it’s biblical.
King Saul’s daughter Michal (who would name their daughter Michal?) was in love with David, so Saul, still wanting David dead remind you, has his attendants tell David that he can marry Michal for the low, low price of one hundred foreskins (v24). Wait? What? Foreskins??? So, David, being the stud muffin that he is says no problem. He rounds up his men and they don’t only take one hundred foreskins, oh no, not David, he kills two hundred Philistine men and obtains two hundred foreskins (v27)!
This is where my second question came to being, If a dowry is the gift that the brides father gives to the groom, why would he have David go out and slice off the fleshy tips of two hundred penises for a dowry? This is where the definition is reversed. Remember, King Saul wanted David dead and was hoping the Philistines would do the job for him, so sending David to obtain the foreskins was one more attempt at killing him. Instead, two hundred men lost their lives including their manhood. Such a nice Bible story, I wonder why this story isn’t taught on Sunday morning?
So remember guys, nothing says I love you more than chopping off the fleshy tips of two hundred penises. Now that’s love!
So ladies, the next time your man says I love you ask him how many dongs he is willing to mutilate to prove it.