Hey ya’ll! Since we did not have a show this week, nor have I been on any shows this week, I need to get something off my chest…
In the last 7 days, I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned that I am strong, dedicated, loving and smart. I found out that I can forgive people for past transgressions. My mom is not perfect and neither am I. She made some mistakes in her life and so have I. I learned that I have to stop disliking my mom so much for her choices. I have to remember that these were her choices and in no way shape or form, did I force these choices on her. Mom raised me. I was the only child she raised. My brothers were raised by their dads. Mom was my best friend as a child. She provided for me, taught me some things about life. She prepared me for my future. She did her part as a parent.
As we both got older, we kind of went our separate ways. She decided she was going to live her life the way she wanted. I was going to live mine how I wanted. Through all of this, I discovered that my mom did her job raising me. Mom is not getting any younger. I have to enjoy the time I have with her. I don’t know if this was a wakeup call for me or for her, but I have had PLENTY of time to think. My mom is strong and I honestly feel like she is going to pull through this. I have found that I have a voice that protects her when she needs to be protected. In the past, I would’ve kept my mouth shut and you know “let the men handle it.”
I have had many people test me in the last 7 days. I have been tested by the religious, self-righteous, and hypocriticals (<—- Ashleyism).
This was the first “close to death” situation that I have had since I have been an atheist. Death scares me, or so it did. Getting the call on Saturday that Mom may not make it, had me immediately looking up at the roof of my car, looking to god for help. Guess what??? He is not there. It hit me, as soon as I begin to pray, WTF are you doing? Who the fuck are you talking to right now? I immediately thought, oh shit, who am I going to talk to about my mom??? Who was going to be the miraculous being that was going to save my mom?? Was my mom seeing angels that were trying to pull her to the light??? All these emotions at one time??? Whew!!! That was tough! I had the thought of my mom dying, getting pissed off because I had no god to ask to heal my mother??? Oh shit, there is no god moment??? I will never see my mom again…. All these emotions at one time… Whew… Yes, this was rough. I will admit Saturday WAS TOUGH!
But…… I made a phone call to Korrine Mailey and told her what was going on with mom. She asked me, “Do you want me to come up there?” Me: Yes. 4 hours later, Korrine walked into the hospital. Three hours after her arrival, I received a HUGE surprise visit from Hugh Mann! I am still trying to get over this one. The out pouring of messages, texts, posts from all of you, I am amazed, touched and at a loss for words. I have never been a part of a family that literally gave five minutes of their time over the entire weekend to show support for me.
I knew I was strong, I never truly knew how strong until this past weekend and I have all of you to thank for that. I drew my strength from y’all. You are the ones who have kept me sane and laughing. Y’all are the ones who helped me find my voice to protect my mom; the voice that says “hey, I got this!”
My emotions on Saturday went from tired, but happy, to worried, crying, and oh my fucking god, PRAYING! Asking the questions who is going to heal my mother??? Really??? I walked into the hospital Saturday and saw my dad, LOST IT! But then Daddy whispered something to me, something that I could hear y’all saying to me… “STOP THIS, BE STRONG! YOU HAVE A WHOLE COMMUNITY BEHIND YOU, THEY DONT.” My first thought was that actually it is not a community, it’s my family, but instead, I said you are right. Although, I am an atheist, I have found that I have a beautiful relationship with Alex Moreschi. He is one of the most kind-hearted, funniest, empathetic, etc. people I know. Alex has been with us at the hospital since day one. He has taken the time out of his schedule to look after my “birth” family. My family asked Alex if he could pray for my mom, Alex looked at me for approval. It was this moment, I realized that this is how I can help my mom and “birth family”. This is me being the strong one. I may not believe in their prayers, but who am I to take their beliefs away from them? I looked at Alex and said, “its ok.” Alex gave me and my family comfort.
Bobby, poor Bobby, with no show to do and Ashley not home, he’s had to deal with dinner, my emotions, picking up children, etc. He is just going with the flow. He has truly been my rock. Although my aunt did piss him off. Tune in Sunday on Spreaker at 7pm EST to hear THAT story!
The night ended on a high note, I had the huge hug that I was feeling from everyone in my “chosen” family. I was surrounded by people who love me, who care for me and about me. It was great! I cannot thank you all enough for the warmness that I felt Saturday night.
In the end, I no longer fear death. I fear what I leave behind. I do not want leave this world without people knowing where I stand regarding religion. I do not want to leave a “mess” for my loved ones to have to try and figure out. I want my children to know exactly what they need to do in the event that I am incapable of making my own decisions. It’s amazing how death can actually bring some things to LIFE.