Prayer lead to my nonbelief


Bobby C.

I was fortunate enough to be raised in the one and only true denomination in the Christian religion; Southern Baptist. If you are anything other than Southern Baptist, you are hell bound and there is no denying that fact. All of you Methodists, Lutherans, Episcopalians, Pentecostals and the other thirty-nine thousand nine hundred ninety-six another denominations residing under the Christian umbrella are wrong and it would be in your best interests to come over to the correct denomination to ensure that your eternal soul will be saved from the eternal lake of fire.


Looking back, I still can’t believe I actually accepted that garbage even to the point that I lost very good friends simply because they refused to come over to my side.  I called them closed-minded when in fact I was no different. In my ignorance, I refused to realize that we were all reading the same book to justify why each of our own denominations were the correct one.

I spent thirty-five years as a Christian and throughout those years I had many doubts about my beliefs but never once considered the fact that maybe God doesn’t exist and is nothing more than a figment of my imagination. Never once did the idea of non-belief enter my mind. I remember feeling that my doubts about the existence of a God in some far off heaven were a sign of my own weakness. It was my fault that I allowed Satan to place those doubts in my mind and I needed to spend more time on my knees in prayer. My doubt served as evidence of the strong hold Satan had over my life and I needed to open my heart even more to Jesus during my prayer time.

Throughout my youth and adult years, I spent many nights with my hands folded in prayer feeling that I was wasting my time. My prayers never seem to move beyond the ceiling a mere eight feet above my head. Prayer always seemed to be very confusing to me. My pastor would teach that in order for God to hear my prayers I had to first ask forgiveness for my sins because according to him, God could not hear the prayers of a sinner. This never really made much sense to me because my sins always felt so numerous that I couldn’t remember them all and if I cannot remember all of my sins how am I to ask forgiveness for them? I was taught that I was to name each sin in the presence of God. If my sin was masturbation, I was to actually say the word masturbation to God which would ultimately lead to great shame. It was only after I felt shameful of my sin that God would see my shame and forgive me of the sin.

 It is only after asking for forgiveness that I can present my prayer for “consideration”. I use the word consideration because for years I truly believed that God would pick and choose which prayers he wishes to answer. Therefore, it appeared that not all prayers were answered. I was corrected on this point by my pastor who claimed all prayers of the righteous are answered and sometimes the answer is “no”. Apparently the absence I felt was not divine hiddenness instead it was God telling me no.

After a number of years, I grew tired of not receiving an answer and started asking a different question; Are you real? If so, please give me a sign. After several years of kneeling by my bed begging God to give me a sign and still receiving no answer, I came to the conclusion that God doesn’t exist and if he does exist he doesn’t give a shit about me, my yearning or my loss of faith so fuck him, I don’t need him!

The feeling of relief that came over me when I finally made the decision to let go of God was like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I hear others tell of the stress losing their faith caused them and my heart truly goes out to them but for me, it felt like I had finally been released from prison. For the first time in my life, I am a free man.  I’ve never looked back and I never will.







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One thought on “Prayer lead to my nonbelief

  1. TheOutAtheist May 4, 2016 at 1:54 PM Reply

    Very interesting! Always neat to here some individual perspective. Good life to you!

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