Category Archives: The Bible

Does God reward good deads?

ark

This is one of those stories that leave me scratching my perfectly shaped bald head. As a child I remember being told that God rewards all good deeds, but does he? Let’s see.

When they came to the threshing floor of Nakon, Uzzah reached out and took hold of the ark of God, because the oxen stumbled. The Lord’s anger burned against Uzzah because of his irreverent act; therefore God struck him down, and he died there beside the ark of God.(2 Samuel 6:6-7 NIV)

Well, well, well, look at how gracious God was for Uzzah’s loving attempt to keep the ark from falling to the ground. Does it surprise you that God killed Uzzah for trying to do a good dead? It doesn’t surprise me one bit because I’ve come to see God for what he really is; a hateful,  unforgiving tyrant with no appreciation for his own creation.

I can hear the rebuttal ‘s now as I type out this post, “you know nothing of God’s mercy”, “God’s ways are higher then our ways”, it’s the same old dribble, over and over again. The bottom line is this, there is no justification for God killing an innocent man for trying to save the ark. Where is God’s appreciation? I would think that God would award Uzzah, not kill him!

My Christian friends would tell you that his death WAS the reward because now he is living for all eternity with God in heaven, give me break!

So much for God rewarding good deeds. This is just another example of God’s lack of love of humanity and his deep love for killing.

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Does God have limitations?

god-couldnt-stop-iron-chariots-m1-abrams-battle-tank-m1a1-m1-demotivational-poster-1224483645

In churches across America Pastors are teaching that there is nothing God cannot do. If you are sick, God can heal you, if you are hungry God will feed you, if you are wary God will give you rest. God is all-powerful, he is in control of everything. Anything that happens is God’s will.

I can remember when Hurricane David hit Savannah, Ga in 1979. The hurricane, although it was a category 1 hurricane, did a lot of damage. I remember asking my Sunday school teacher the Sunday that followed the hurricane if God brought the hurricane. She told me that God brought the hurricane to cleanse our city of evil and if I am alive it is because God loved me. She hugged me and said “God loves you, he would never hurt you.” As I sit here and type out this post, I am very much a critical thinker and I look back at those times and I am left with MANY questions I would have loved to ask that teacher. I have no doubt that she could not answer them.

I sat in church for over thirty years listening as the pastor went on and on about how powerful God is and there is nothing more powerful than God. The one verse the pastor never presented to the congregation is “And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron. (Judges 1:19 KJV) This verse goes against everything every pastor has ever taught from the pulpit. How is it that God can do anything but he can not drive out the inhabitants of a valley due to iron chariots? How can people stand and sing “What a mighty God we serve” when It is perfectly clear in his own holy book that he has limitations?

Best wedding gift ever!

dowry

By a show of hands, how many of you are married? When you decided to take the plunge what did you wife’s father gift to you besides his daughter of course?  House, car, watch, a trip to Hawaii? As we prepare to once again enter into the ridiculousness that is the Holy Bible, we will learn of the best wedding dowry ever given. We will also see that the dowry given was given in reverse. So, without further adieu…

The best wedding dowry ever given is found in 1 Samuel 18.  While I was reading this ridiculous story my first question was “what in the hell is a wedding dowry” after all, I’m a man, I’m not supposed to know right? Well, for the rest of you guys out there that are like me and didn’t have a clue about a wedding dowry allow me to educate you;  a wedding dowry is the money or goods that the bride’s family gives to her new husband when they are married. So, keep this is mind as you read the rest of this post.

In this story, David ( the man after God’s own heart, apparently the rest of us suck) is promised the hand of Merab, the oldest daughter of King Saul, if he will fight for the Lord (v17). Am I the only one that finds it ironic that God cannot fight his own battles? But anyway…

We see that this is King Saul’s feeble attempt to trick David because King Saul wants him dead. So, King Saul decided to send David to battle the Philistines hoping they will kill him (v17). King Saul, being the butt-head that he is,  gives Merab to Adreil instead of David. Seems like a dick move to me, but hey it’s biblical.

King Saul’s daughter Michal (who would name their daughter Michal?) was in love with David, so Saul, still wanting David dead remind you, has his attendants tell David that he can marry Michal for the low, low price of one hundred foreskins (v24). Wait? What? Foreskins???  So, David, being the stud muffin that he is says no problem. He rounds up his men and they don’t only take one hundred foreskins, oh no, not David, he kills two hundred Philistine men and obtains two hundred foreskins (v27)!

This is where my second question came to being, If a dowry is the gift that the brides father gives to the groom, why would he have David go out and slice off the fleshy tips of two hundred penises for a dowry?  This is where the definition is reversed. Remember, King Saul wanted David dead and was hoping the Philistines would do the job for him, so sending David to obtain the foreskins was one more attempt at killing him. Instead, two hundred men lost their lives including their manhood. Such a nice Bible story, I wonder why this story isn’t taught on Sunday morning?

So remember guys, nothing says I love you more than chopping off the fleshy tips of two hundred penises. Now that’s love!

So ladies, the next time your man says I love you ask him how many dongs he is willing to mutilate to prove it.

Moses shows his true colors

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This is one of those stories that when you read it you cannot help but facepalm.  It is story that shows the true humanity of Moses. So, join me if you will, as we journey into the book of Numbers Chapter thirty-one. Most people are familiar with Moses and the Ten Commandments. Well, this is a not-so-familiar story.

In this story, the Israelites are at war with the Medianites. During the battle the Israelites kill all the men and capture all the women and children (v9) and brought them before Moses. Now Moses who is supposed to be a Godly man becomes angry with this commanders. Keep in mind the Israelites have defeated the Midianites, killed all the men but allowed the women and children to live. They have plundered the city and brought anything of value (v11) to present to Moses and here we read that Moses is pissed off (v14)! Really? Why would Moses be angry? Well, lets see shall we? “Have you allowed all the women to live?”(v15) Moses asked. Now some would say that it’s good that the Israelites took mercy on the women and children, but not Moses! He chastised his commanders saying “They were the ones who followed Balaam’s advice and enticed the Israelites to be unfaithful to the Lord in the Peor incident, so that a plague struck the Lord’s people. (v16) Let’s look at this a little deeper. Apparently the women are to blame for making the Israelites be unfaithful to God and God struck his people with a plague. Damn you women are powerful!

So what does the man of God (Moses) tell them to do? You guessed it! Kill all the boys and kill every woman who has slept with a man (v17) but save every girl who has never slept with a man for yourself (v18). Wow! I wonder how the soldiers checked if the girls were virgins. Were they wearing the ‘V’ patched on the sweaters? Am I the only one facepalming at the fact that Moses had all the women and boys killed? Moses said it was the women who make the Israelites unfaithful. What did the boys do to deserve death? Why does the women deserve death when the Israelites were apparently lacking self-control? Were the boys killed simply for being born? How about the young virgins, what did they do to deserve being raped by the Israelites?

I can here it now… Christians will say the Bible didn’t say they raped them, it only said they took them. I’m often amazed at how naive some people are. Apparently they think these soldiers who have been to war, and possibly hasn’t been with a woman in quite a while, were sitting playing Parcheesi. Come on folks, its time to wake up!

In summery we see that Moses is really no different from God, he loves killing innocent women and children as well. We also see that, like God, Moses absolutely no respect for humanity much less women in general. I wonder who he learned that from…any guesses?

What was Jephthah thinking?

jephthah

If there was ever a story that people overlook when reading their Bible, this would be the story. It is safe to assume that Jephthah isn’t the sharpest tack in the box. Let’s enter the story and I will allow the you to decide whether he is dumb as a box of rocks or a brilliant mind.

Jephthah makes one brutal mistake, he bartered with God. If you have spent five minutes on this blog you’ve seen that God isn’t as great as people make him out to be and this is no different. The story goes like this: Jephthah is about to face the Ammonites in battle. now, Jephthah decides to make a deal with God. He says “If you give the Ammonites into my hands, whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph from the Ammonites will be the Lord’s, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering.” (Judges 11:30-31 NIV)

This sounds like the plea of a desperate man begging and pleading God to help him murder a complete group of people. So what did God do? I’m glad you asked. Well being that God’s specialty is killing, he decides to help Jephthah; Then Jephthah went over to fight the Ammonites, and the Lord gave them into his hands. He devastated twenty towns.”
(Judges 11: 32-33 NIV) Once again, God proves just how good he is at killing and the all the people in twenty towns were brutally murdered. Wasn’t it nice of God to help murder all those people?

Now Jephthah is returning home a hero, a mighty warrior. He finally reached home and remember folks, he made a deal with God to offer whatever came out of his house first as a burnt offering, so who comes out the door first? His dog? Nope. His pet goat? Nope. None other than his only child, his daughter! His daughter rushes out to greet him playing timbrels and celebrating. Well, the celebration didn’t last very long because now Jephthah has to tell his daughter about the deal he made with God. It reads like this: When he saw her, he tore his clothes and cried, “Oh no, my daughter! You have brought me down and I am devastated. I have made a vow to the Lord that I cannot break. (Judges 11: 35 NIV)

So, being the righteous dude that his, Jephthah allowed his daughter to roam the hills for two months and weep. After the two months had passed his daughter returned home and he kept his promise to God. He killed his only child and offered her as a burnt offering. Now, I must ask, If you knew your dad was going to kill you would you return? Me neither! But I guess the daughter has to return for the story to be complete.

A pastor would tell you that this is a story of obedience on the part of Jephthah and will completely overlook the premeditated murder of his daughter. After all, Jephthah made a deal with God so it had to be paid, right? The pastor would also tell you that Jephthah didn’t really murder his daughter but gave her up to the ministry. Really? If he was going to offer her up to the ministry why would he rip his clothes and say he was devastated? The scripture says he offered her up as a BURNT offering. When did a burnt offering become the ministry? Why didn’t God say “never mind Jephthah, I can’t allow you to kill your only child?” Where is God’s compassion and love for Jephthah and his daughter?  I can answer that question, there isn’t any!

So to a non-pastor like me this is a story of a murder God had every opportunity to stop and refused to do so.

Now that you have learned the story of Jephthah and the senseless murder of his daughter, is Jephthah a brilliant mind or is he dumb as a box of rocks for making the deal?

A Talking Ass. Really?

talking donkey

In Genesis we read of a talking snake. Now we have to deal with a talking ass. This is really starting to get out of hand!

So, here is the story of the talking ass; an Israelite sheppard named Balaam has a donkey. The story doesn’t say how long Balaam’s had said donkey but it would be safe to assume that he’s had him/her for a while. The donkey see’s an angel on a path that Balaam is not able to see. The donkey moves out of the way of the angel and accidentally crushes Balaam’s foot against a rock wall. Honest mistake right? Well this angers Balaam and he proceeds to beat the hell out of the innocent donkey.

It would appear that Balaam has a few anger issues. Well the donkey has had enough of the abuse. He looks at Balaam and says ” What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?” (Numbers 22:28 NIV) Now Balaam begins a conversation with his ass. Picture this if you will…Balaam is now standing directly in front of his ass with his best ‘put em up’ pose looking it eye to eye and having conversation as with a person. If this is not bad enough, Balaam, talking to an donkey remind you, says “you have made a fool of me! If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now!“(Numbers 22:29 NIV)

I know I am not the brightest bulb in the box, but I’m pretty damned bright and I’m bright enough to know that donkey’s cannot talk. But lets pause for a moment. Why isn’t Balaam completely freaked out? I can’t speak for all people but if my dog said “whats up” I am out of there!

Now the donkey says “Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden to this day? Have I been in the habit of  doing this to you? No, he said.” (Numbers 22:30 NIV) So now the donkey is slapping Balaam with a guilt trip. Really? I am completely dumbfounded by the number of Christians all over the world who see this as truth. When I questioned a close Christian friend about this story he said ” Of course I know it’s true. It proves there is nothing my God can’t do.” Except set the example on how to treat your animals of course. If you are not cutting their throats as a sacrifice or you can always beat the hell out of them. No big deal.

So folks, next time you are watching Mr Ed remember that everything you are seeing is one hundred percent true and based on Biblical teachings.

Women are dirtier then men…I knew it!

It’s no secret how God feels about women.  I want to look at the laws concerning pregnant women and how God  views the difference between men and women.

Say to the Israelites: ‘A woman who becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son will be ceremonially unclean for seven days, just as she is unclean during her monthly period. On the eighth day the boy is to be circumcised. Then the woman must wait thirty-three days to be purified from her bleeding. She must not touch anything sacred or go to the sanctuary until the days of her purification are over. If she gives birth to a daughter, for two weeks the woman will be unclean, as during her period. Then she must wait sixty-six days to be purified from her bleeding. (Leviticus 12:2-5 NIV)

I wonder how many female believers that actually read these scriptures? Isn’t it ironic that God considers a woman who has given birth to a girl dirtier than a woman who has given birth to a boy? What is it about a precious baby girl that makes the mother more unclean? What’s so special about a bouncing baby boy that makes the woman less unclean? How is it that after the birth of a son the woman is only unclean for seven days, BUT, if she gives birth to a girl she is unclean for two weeks? Hmm…seven days compared to fourteen days; apparently God thinks that girls are TWICE as dirty as boys.

I always knew you women were dirtier than us men and now I have the proof! It’s disgusting how badly God despises women. But why? Is it due to Eve eating the forbidden fruit? The Bible does say that it was the woman who fell into transgression first or is it that the Bible was written by archaic man who hated women and see then as the dirt under their feet?

You know I’ve got to ask questions, so ladies here are my questions for you to ponder: How can you, after seeing all the hatred God has for you, still condone his teachings? How can you still consider yourself a Christian? Does it not matter how God views you? You are all unclean according to the Bible. You are nothing more than property to be owned and used by man. You are required to keep your mouth shut and do exactly as your husband says. But yet you claim that God loves you. Really? It’s time to wake up ladies! He doesn’t love you. He hates you!

 

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